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I Need You to Need Me: Overcoming Attachment Issues

By Barbara Legate | bio | contact

Q:  I grew up with a mother that struggled with deep emotional insecurities and attachment issues.  I consider myself a very different woman, but find myself exhibiting similar “neediness” when I’m in relationships.  How can I improve myself and avoid bringing those issues into my home?

A:  It sounds as though your mother exhibited some features of a personality disorder.  People who struggle with these symptoms really are seeking reassurance that they are worthy of love, attention and devotion.  Probably during her early childhood, she felt that her family didn’t provide her with enough “I love you/ value you” messages.

Unfortunately for you, she wasn’t successful at recognizing her neediness and how it drove people away from her.  You, however, have a tremendous advantage in that you recognize how her behaviors and insecurities diminished her life and relationships.  You have the ability to not repeat those self-sabotaging behaviors.

The first issue which I feel you must address and work to counter is recognizing that you are not the cause of her inability to attach and show love.  Your mother parented you the way she was probably parented.  Her inability to connect and nurture you was a result of her intense fear that if she loved you, you would discover her failings, “un-lovability” and eventually, you would leave her.  Her inability to attach with you has nothing to do with your worthiness and lovability. You must get it out of your head that you aren’t lovable.

It would be beneficial for you to make a list of what makes you unique and loveable.  You should start every day by reminding yourself of these positive qualities.  We call these exercises self talk.  If your mother isn’t able to nurture you, you must nurture yourself.  Treat yourself how you wish your mother had been able to show her love to you.  In addition to this positive self talk, you also need to talk yourself through your behaviors that others identify as needy. Remind yourself of how you react to your mother’s neediness.

When you experience your moments of neediness, talk with your significant other and or a close friend about these feelings and insecurities.  Be honest about your fears/ anxieties.  Talk yourself out of testing people’s love and devotion to you. Making people walk the trial by fire will only exhaust people and result in them leaving you. No one person will ever be able to meet all of your needs or to completely fulfill you. By the same token, you are not able to meet all of the needs of anyone else.  No one person will ever be able to give you constant attention/ devotion.  Some of your needs need to be met by you.

The most beneficial thing you can do to not allow those destructive behaviors from entering your home is to be aware of your behaviors that result in making people feel overwhelmed by your insecurities and need for constant attention.

Barbara Legate is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in El Paso, Texas. She has served as Director of the El Paso Runaway Center, Director of Adolescent Services for Charter Psychiatric Hospital in Santa Teresa, NM and Director of Child and Adolescent services for Parkland Psychiatric Hospital in Baton Rouge, LA. Barbara has been in private practice since 1991. She may be reached at (915) 241-4000.