moth·er [muhth-er] ➤ v. 1. To teach

Whenever I think about the gifts that my own mother gave me, I feel truly blessed. My mother was a woman who was adopted by a couple who were in their 60’s. They certainly doted on her, but they also raised her as they would have raised a son. She learned how to collect rent for their rental properties and how to travel to Chicago and New York City by herself as a teenager. My grandmother was way ahead of her time, and so was my mother. They were both strong, brave women, and I’m happy I learned these traits from them.

Having been an only child, my mother wanted a large family, and she got it. She and my father adopted 6 children and had 3 more together. From the onset, my mother was determined that her daughters would be given the skills required to succeed in a “man’s world.” No home economics classes for us! She wanted us to be “well rounded,” which meant that we would have all kinds of lessons. We did study ballet and piano, along with our friends, but also learned how to negotiate prices and use power tools.

moth·er [muhth-er] ➤ v. 2. To nurture

The act of mothering also involves listening to our children and spending time with them. Nurturing your children is one of the first steps to positive parenting. I have fond memories of sitting with my sisters and our mother on her bed looking through our family button box and my mother’s jewelry box. My mother enjoyed telling us the stories behind each charm on her bracelet and where my father bought each piece  when he was in Europe during the war. We would listen raptly and pass each piece around, all the while rubbing them gently with our fingers. What wonderful memories! To nurture your children is to share yourself with them.

moth·er [muhth-er] ➤ v. 3. To love

The act of mothering is the giving of yourself to your children; the act of giving the best of yourself to your children. Many mothers find that they give their children the gifts that they themselves wish they had had been given. They give them opportunities for education, social skills, music, and self confidence to name but a few. Here in El Paso, we see many women who sacrifice for their children every day. We all know women who cross the border each morning to work in other women’s homes so that they can earn enough money to send their kids to Prepa in Juarez. These women risk everything by moving their families here without legal documents so that their children can have the “American dream.” The act of mothering often involves doing without so that our children will have what they need. This is one of the many ways that some women show their children that they love them.

moth·er [muhth-er] ➤ v. 4. To protect

The act of mothering also involves making sure that we treat each other with respect and that we never forget that we are family. I remember having my mouth washed out with soap for calling my sister, Mary, a horrible name when I was five. My mother would remind us that after she and my father were gone, “all we would have would be each other.” Such a great gift that sentiment is… a sort of “insurance policy” for the protection of her family. To this day, I count my sisters as my best friends.

Every May, my husband and I host a big Spring Fiesta. True to my mother’s wish, my sister Helen flies in from New Orleans, and my sister Alice flies in from Los Angeles to help set up, cook, entertain and work like slaves to make this party happen. My sister Lilly, who lives in El Paso, comes over days in advance to help me bake 150 cupcakes and to decorate my daughter’s special birthday cake. We are a team; we teach, nurture, love and protect each other, just as our mother would want us to because, as she told us time and time again, “We are all we have”– and we are thankful to our mother for the gift of each other.

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Barbara Legate is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in El Paso, Texas. She has served as Director of the El Paso Runaway Center, Director of Adolescent Services for Charter Psychiatric Hospital in Santa Teresa, NM and Director of Child and Adolescent services for Parkland Psychiatric Hospital in Baton Rouge, LA. Barbara has been in private practice since 1991. She may be reached at (915) 241-4000.

Q:  I grew up with a mother that struggled with deep emotional insecurities and attachment issues.  I consider myself a very different woman, but find myself exhibiting similar “neediness” when I’m in relationships.  How can I improve myself and avoid bringing those issues into my home?

A:  It sounds as though your mother exhibited some features of a personality disorder.  People who struggle with these symptoms really are seeking reassurance that they are worthy of love, attention and devotion.  Probably during her early childhood, she felt that her family didn’t provide her with enough “I love you/ value you” messages.

Unfortunately for you, she wasn’t successful at recognizing her neediness and how it drove people away from her.  You, however, have a tremendous advantage in that you recognize how her behaviors and insecurities diminished her life and relationships.  You have the ability to not repeat those self-sabotaging behaviors.

The first issue which I feel you must address and work to counter is recognizing that you are not the cause of her inability to attach and show love.  Your mother parented you the way she was probably parented.  Her inability to connect and nurture you was a result of her intense fear that if she loved you, you would discover her failings, “un-lovability” and eventually, you would leave her.  Her inability to attach with you has nothing to do with your worthiness and lovability. You must get it out of your head that you aren’t lovable.

It would be beneficial for you to make a list of what makes you unique and loveable.  You should start every day by reminding yourself of these positive qualities.  We call these exercises self talk.  If your mother isn’t able to nurture you, you must nurture yourself.  Treat yourself how you wish your mother had been able to show her love to you.  In addition to this positive self talk, you also need to talk yourself through your behaviors that others identify as needy. Remind yourself of how you react to your mother’s neediness.

When you experience your moments of neediness, talk with your significant other and or a close friend about these feelings and insecurities.  Be honest about your fears/ anxieties.  Talk yourself out of testing people’s love and devotion to you. Making people walk the trial by fire will only exhaust people and result in them leaving you. No one person will ever be able to meet all of your needs or to completely fulfill you. By the same token, you are not able to meet all of the needs of anyone else.  No one person will ever be able to give you constant attention/ devotion.  Some of your needs need to be met by you.

The most beneficial thing you can do to not allow those destructive behaviors from entering your home is to be aware of your behaviors that result in making people feel overwhelmed by your insecurities and need for constant attention.

Barbara Legate is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in El Paso, Texas. She has served as Director of the El Paso Runaway Center, Director of Adolescent Services for Charter Psychiatric Hospital in Santa Teresa, NM and Director of Child and Adolescent services for Parkland Psychiatric Hospital in Baton Rouge, LA. Barbara has been in private practice since 1991. She may be reached at (915) 241-4000.