God is the same yesterday, today and always. Although He doesn’t promise perfect lives far from hardship, He does promise that we will come through our troubles unharmed. For some, as you are reading this, it may feel like there is no hope left. And, you might even want to give up–Don’t. The desires of the diligent are fully satisfied. Know that God loves you enough to pull you through any situation. No situation is greater than He is. He is always with His children and He knows what we need even before we ask Him. He only desires that we acknowledge Him.

If you’re at an all-time high, praise God! If you’re struggling and feel like things could be better, be patient and hang on; your breakthrough is on its way! God promises good to all that love Him. He is faithful!

Let go [of your own ways] and Let God [show you His]!

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”

– In Isaiah 43:2

Although not literal, this statement is a description of our pains on this earth.

28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

– Matthew 11:28-30

To provide victims of sexual assault with an advocate to turn to, El Paso’s Sexual Trauma and Assault Response Services (STARS) serves as one of the few centers in Texas exclusively dedicated to victims of sexual trauma and assault. Started in 1975 with the all-encompassing mission to eliminate rape and sexual assault, STARS was originally established by a group of El Paso feminists known as, Women Against Rape (WAR). As the years progressed, WAR underwent a merge with the Life Management Center, a part of the Mental Health and Mental Retardation Center and in 1995, transformed into its own independent agency.

Unfortunately, cases of rape and sexual assault happen every single day. According to Anne Kruzik, STARS Director, city-wide rape is committed most often by a person the victim knows or has seen before. “Stranger rape is the minority. Those make the headlines, but what we call acquaintance rapes are the most common,” Kruzik said. The center averages about six to seven hospital cases and about four walk-ins or phone queries per week, she added. According to Kruzik, though most of the cases they see deal with female victims, the agency does help males as well.

Providing assistance to victims of these types of crimes, STARS runs a 24-hour Crisis Line, help with court preparation and accompaniment, and assistance with filing for Crime Victims Compensation through the Attorney General’s office, all at no cost to the victim and their families. Additionally, STARS does community outreach and rape prevention training at public schools and for the general public across the city. At the forefront of the services, STARS offers victims assistance by volunteers who dedicate their time every day to advocating for the injured. “Volunteers are extensively trained on the entire process after a victim is assaulted. Often times, victims need someone to talk to and advocate for them, and our volunteers do that,” Kruzik said.

Dependent on their volunteer’s time, the agency provides all types of services with the victim in mind as they move forward from the immediate aftermath of the incident to the future. Volunteers are responsible for anything the victim needs including guidance through the hospital exams, advice, and referral to services at the STARS office in downtown El Paso. “These volunteers sign up for shifts, and if they call them at 2 a.m., they’re at the hospital with the victim at 2 a.m.” Kruzik added.

College student Lisa Saenz has been volunteering with STARS for a year now. A speaker from STARS who was a guest lecturer at one of her UTEP psychology courses convinced her to volunteer for the agency. “This lady’s personal story was heartbreaking. She was such a strong woman to go up and speak in front of an auditorium full of students. I immediately knew I wanted to be a part of this,” Saenz said. For Saenz, the experience has opened her eyes to a new career path. She said, “I now want to go after offenders who get minimal sentences after committing these crimes,” adding that she finds it “ridiculous” especially after sitting with a victim after the crime has been committed. Saenz, who is currently applying to law school, said her time with STARS and advocating for victims has made her want to “seek out justice.”

Gloria Espinoza,* a victim of sexual assault, was raped by a family member at the age of 18. After the horrific events occurred, Gloria carried guilt, an inevitable feeling that often arises out of rape and sexual assault. Aside from dealing with the trauma and a constant feeling of emptiness, Gloria shared that her mother blamed her and was completely unsupportive. “It’s a cycle and it needs to be stopped,” stated Gloria. According to Gloria, she found the most support through a faith-based church group. “You have to walk it out, get help, there’s assistance in faith and non-faith based programs, [such as STARS]. It’s a process, but [you have to] learn to have healthy and happy relationships. There’s no easier way than to walk through it and take it step by step,” shared Gloria.

If you are a victim of sexual trauma or assault, or are interested in becoming a volunteer for STARS, contact them at (915) 533-7700 or visit the office located at 710 N. Campbell Street. The 24-hour Crisis Line is (915) 779-1800.

Q:  I grew up with a mother that struggled with deep emotional insecurities and attachment issues.  I consider myself a very different woman, but find myself exhibiting similar “neediness” when I’m in relationships.  How can I improve myself and avoid bringing those issues into my home?

A:  It sounds as though your mother exhibited some features of a personality disorder.  People who struggle with these symptoms really are seeking reassurance that they are worthy of love, attention and devotion.  Probably during her early childhood, she felt that her family didn’t provide her with enough “I love you/ value you” messages.

Unfortunately for you, she wasn’t successful at recognizing her neediness and how it drove people away from her.  You, however, have a tremendous advantage in that you recognize how her behaviors and insecurities diminished her life and relationships.  You have the ability to not repeat those self-sabotaging behaviors.

The first issue which I feel you must address and work to counter is recognizing that you are not the cause of her inability to attach and show love.  Your mother parented you the way she was probably parented.  Her inability to connect and nurture you was a result of her intense fear that if she loved you, you would discover her failings, “un-lovability” and eventually, you would leave her.  Her inability to attach with you has nothing to do with your worthiness and lovability. You must get it out of your head that you aren’t lovable.

It would be beneficial for you to make a list of what makes you unique and loveable.  You should start every day by reminding yourself of these positive qualities.  We call these exercises self talk.  If your mother isn’t able to nurture you, you must nurture yourself.  Treat yourself how you wish your mother had been able to show her love to you.  In addition to this positive self talk, you also need to talk yourself through your behaviors that others identify as needy. Remind yourself of how you react to your mother’s neediness.

When you experience your moments of neediness, talk with your significant other and or a close friend about these feelings and insecurities.  Be honest about your fears/ anxieties.  Talk yourself out of testing people’s love and devotion to you. Making people walk the trial by fire will only exhaust people and result in them leaving you. No one person will ever be able to meet all of your needs or to completely fulfill you. By the same token, you are not able to meet all of the needs of anyone else.  No one person will ever be able to give you constant attention/ devotion.  Some of your needs need to be met by you.

The most beneficial thing you can do to not allow those destructive behaviors from entering your home is to be aware of your behaviors that result in making people feel overwhelmed by your insecurities and need for constant attention.

Barbara Legate is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in El Paso, Texas. She has served as Director of the El Paso Runaway Center, Director of Adolescent Services for Charter Psychiatric Hospital in Santa Teresa, NM and Director of Child and Adolescent services for Parkland Psychiatric Hospital in Baton Rouge, LA. Barbara has been in private practice since 1991. She may be reached at (915) 241-4000.